Friday, September 28, 2012

What Do I Want to Do With My Life?

So I just finished reading a book called The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin.  It has gotten LOADS of publicity, so I think it would be safe to say that you've heard of it.  If you haven't though, the premise is that this lady spent a year doing things to make herself happier.  And not just like, quick fixes.  She read a lot of books & studies about happiness and then she applied them to different areas in her life.  When I first heard about this book, I was pretty ambivalent toward it.  But then it was the Nook Daily Find on Barnes & Noble, so it was $2.99, so I figured what the hey!  And, well, it was inspiring.

See, I've been in a funk.  And I haven't really known how to get myself out of it.  If I were to self-diagnose, I would say that occasionally I suffer from mild depression.  I've never wanted to harm myself, but I go through periods of time where the only way to describe the feeling is that of being a "non-person."  When I feel that way, I think that I don't have any interests or hobbies or characteristics that separate me from any other Joe on the street.  I feel like I am not contributing anything to society as a whole and certainly not to those people closest to me.  There's a voice in my head that repeatedly tells me, "You're just not good enough."  Most of the time, I'm able to tell myself that I am good enough, but sometimes, I agree with that voice.  And it spirals into me wallowing in my own self-pity.  Sometimes it only last a few hours, sometimes it lasts a few days.  I've never thought it was anything for which I needed therapy or medication.  I usually recognize the self-pity and am able to give myself a pep-talk and I eventually muddle my way out of it.

As time has gone by, I've noticed that  there are things I can do to keep this at bay.  Having goals (and especially accomplishing them) helps a LOT.  When I first started out trying to lose weight, I struggled with that voice in my head that told me I would always be fat and why was I even trying.  It certainly wasn't my first attempt to lose weight, but it was my first successful attempt.  And that success segued into my running.  And I set a goal of running a half-marathon.  And I did it!  After I injured myself doing that though, I fell out of the habit of running.  But before the fire, I had set a goal of working out every other day.  And up to the point of the fire, I maintained that goal for 9 weeks.  Even if I only worked out for 20 minutes, I did SOMETHING every other day.  And it was amazing how much that helped me as a whole.

And maintaining the blog helped.  Because I had a reason to not just get dressed, but to put on outfits that I felt were worthy of being showcased.  And it pushed me out the door on days I might have just sat around the house.  Because hey, I had on a great outfit!  I wanted to take it out into the world!

Since the fire, I've had a lot of excuses for not blogging, for not running, for not working toward any of my goals.  And in reading that book, I've realized that I'm not doing myself any favors with all of that.  In fact, I'm probably pushing myself back toward the muck of self-pity.  And I don't want to do that.  I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself.  I'm tried of feeling like a non-person.

This has been a really long blog entry to just say that I'm not really sure of the new direction of Up in the Air, but that I am setting a goal to update it at least 3 times a week.  I am training to run a 10k race at the end of October.  I have pestered the Mister into participating in the 100 Push-Ups Challenge with me.  I bought a paper journal for all the things I need to write about that don't need a public audience.  I am working on all of these things to try to help me be a happier me!  Let's do this!

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